I'm going to get my life back on track.
I've been unproductive for too long.
I need to make money.
I need to make more strides to help my career. 
I need to take care of my body. 
I need to forgive people. I spend a lot of time making myself upset, thinking about the things people have done, when I know there are things that made them that way that were out of their control. Poor parenting. Financial problems. Fears. Hormonal imbalances. 
Maybe I can forgive myself. For the things I've put myself through. For the things I've said, for things that I've done that messed things up. Things only I know about.
I'm really done with the constant struggle that has become my life. I'm really done with people telling me that life is always going to be that way, because it's already been too much and I am only 18. I've already gone through too much. I need to trust myself and think of what I need from now on. People have had so much sway in my life, they don't even know how much they hurt me. By overwhelming me and controlling me they almost killed me.
I can remember being in 6th grade. Tired of being made fun of at school, tired of being yelled at at home, I began to write. Writing and crying.
I remember being in 9th grade. Being angry at people, everything was easy for them. I was 14 and I had already had more emotional abuse than most have had by their twenties. I had already experienced the death of two friends. I had already been thrown away by someone who had been keeping me alive. I was overweight. I compensated for being judged and having low self esteem by dating too many guys. Always older guys.
I remember being in 10th grade. I had left a physically abusive relationship and started trying to lose weight. I didn't get in trouble as much, because I wasn't rebelling as much. I thought I fell in love with someone, when I really needed to fall in love with myself. I considered how much cruelty had been directed towards me over the years, and realized that if all of these people had agreed that I was inadaquate, then maybe it was true. Maybe there was something wrong with me after all, really. So I took scissors to my skin to try and correct it. And the person that I thought I had fallen in love with discarded me. Because I would not have sex with him and because I hurt myself.
And I remember being in 11th grade and my entire life spinning out of control. I barely ate. And when I did I wrote it down to make sure that it wasn't too much. I tried pushing myself as a distraction. I started smoking at night. From doing too much, and wasting away, I ended up with anemia, and passed out after rehearsal one night with a 104 degree fever. I was basically killing myself. I didn't sleep at night. I started receiving attention from a close guy friend. Everyone saw it. Everyone questioned it. And everyone knew it wouldn't be anything. But I let him hold me and run his hands through my long hair.  Maybe it helped. Maybe it made things worse. And it didn't help that most of my friends were falling apart around me. My teacher got killed in a wreck. And then one of my best friends was diagnosed with Leukemia. And all the while I was trying to make decisions about my future. And for what I did I couldn't find approval anywhere. So drinking seemed like a good solution. Drinking and dancing with him.
Between junior and senior year I went away to study, and I think I came back feeling better.
12th grade consisted mostly of me defending my decisions and my school going to hell, with me stuck trying to deal with it. Every day was a fight with my dad about art school. Every day was a fight with my mom about money. I spent most of my time being insulted by my dad and my art teachers, and desperately filling out scholarships. I met someone that my life had been connected to all along and I never knew it. I was publicly but namelessly blamed for something by my class advisor during graduation rehearsal. I called her bluff by explaining the incident to the principal, who had been away when everything happened. I single handedly acquired a large portion of the scholarships offered by the school. Things seemed slightly promising for once, despite a falling out with several friends. I was mostly happy.
I moved out of my parents house and moved in with him when I was 17. A lot of people didn't agree with it. I don't regret it. I have a home with far less heartache than what I experienced growing up. I was able to adapt somewhere new because I wasn't alone. I had someone to support me. While everyone who questioned me sat miserable and feeling homesick, I wasn't because I was home, finally.
I dealt with school and I handled it. I dealt with fights. I dealt with backstabbing and disapproval from all sides. I dealt with the worst financial problems I've ever had. I dealt with taking on other people's problems from miles away. People got hurt and suddenly needed me, even though they hadn't felt the need to help me or reach out to me in a healthy way. And I dealt with them. I handled myself and everyone else. And I think that is a sign. That I can now handle things in a healthy way. And it doesn't matter who disapproves with my choices, because they use me for support, so why do I need to justify myself? I will keep doing what I need to do to be alright. For the first time in a long time I am able to be alright for an extended amount of time. And I won't let anyone ruin that. I won't let anyone come in and say that I am doing things wrong, when they haven't been involved in my life. How can they know? They can't. So it doesn't bother me.
I'm going to be alright. I have my goals. I have myself.
My life will move forward. Things will slip up and I will handle it.
And I think now is the time to stop documenting this. At least here.
Years of my life are contained on hundreds of pages. And soon you will look here, and this blog will be gone.
This is now the rough draft of a manuscript, and I don't want it here anymore.
One day it will be an anonymous memoir that you will hold in your hands.
It will help a lot of people.
And it will hurt a lot of people.
But whatever happens, these things still happened to me, and I have recovered.
And this is part of recovery for me.
Look for these mad memoirs on paper in the future.
But don't look for them here
They're gone.

So I'm back upstate. I'm going to work at Mr. Willy's and (hopefully) the Forestburgh Playhouse for the summer. Adam is staying in the city, and his mom's friend's son that no one likes is staying at the apartment a few days a week for an internship. It's stupid because I'm not living there but I'm paying rent, and that kid is staying there for free. For the thousandth time, I hate Polish people.
I got a call about being a movie extra. I forgot that I had applied for it. Of course I got the call the day after I came back upstate.
Two photographic pieces of mine were featured on Redbubble.com. I think I'm better at photography, illustration, and painting than anything else. I have to remind myself why I am majoring in Graphic Design every day. 
Maybe things are better.

So this week Becky and Lily came for a visit for a few days. We went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, then we went to Union Square and tried on clothes in the stores. We found these headbands that had colorful feathers on them. Lily takes one look at them and yells out "Kevin!" (the bird from "Up!"). Lily and I cooked dinner and we put the table in the living room with a little flower. Becky serenaded us with a Ukulele. It was a nice dinner party, Adam and Robert included. We had wine and Hookah. We watched episode after episode of Legend of the Seeker. We went to Central Park with Adam, Robert, and Becky's friend Louie from Long Island. We tried to have a picnic but it rained. So we went to the Museum of Natural History to look at the dinosaurs. It was fun. I got sad when I had to bring them back to Penn Station. It was nice to have a house full of girls for once.
On Monday I have an interview at Charlotte Russe. I really need this job.
My dad's heart test is scheduled for the 10th. He's supposed to stay at the hospital for days. I'm worried. 
I've been having some of the nervous tics that I used to have when I was little. I want nothing more than to get this job and for my dad to be okay. 

I hate everything.

So I'm upstate at my parents house. Adam had to come up this weekend to watch Chuckie while his mom went on some relaxation trip with her friend, that she ended up not going to anyway. Oh and when I say he had to watch Chuckie I actually mean only Chuckie because his mom gave Aniela away and didn't tell us or even ask if this was okay.
And everyone in my circle of friends really needs to chill the fuck down. Shit is not the end of the world. I can't deal with the bitch factor. I'm not going into specifics. This is directed at no one and everyone. I'm up here for a couple days, there are some people I need to see, and some that it really doesn't matter if I see or not. But I should spend a little time with my family, no matter how much I don't like them, because they have helped me as much as they could.
I am really uncomfortable in this house. I got here at 11 last night. I couldn't fall asleep until 5 or 6 in the morning. I still haven't eaten anything.
No matter how much I love everyone, and no matter how much I want to help, it's getting to the point where I am a problem dumpster again. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't about things that really aren't a big deal. This always happens when I have enough to deal with already.
My lease is ending and I have no new apartment.
I can't find a job. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't supporting myself.
My boyfriend's mom got rid of our dog.
I'm trying to figure out the next step towards my career.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with this stupid book that will probably ruin my life.
And I really don't have time for this bullshit.

Yesterday I went out to pick up a new shower curtain liner and do some job hunting. I was gone for an hour, tops. I come home to find two car doors laying in my kitchen.
What?
Apparently Adam decided to celebrate the warm weather by taking the doors off of the Jeep. What a nice afternoon.
Later we went to Williamsburg, then to a BBQ at Robert's house. Sitting in a car with no doors while wearing a dress is horrifying.
After that we went back to Williamsburg to this bar, Charleston. Adam knows the bouncer. There was supposed to be this really good show going on that night, but the cover was like $7 and we just decided to leave.
I've been filling out job applications all week, to no avail.
I started making a site on carbonmade. I figure it's a bit more professional that dA.
I found a website that I want to use to self-publish my book.
I just need to finish it, and by finish it, I mean figure out when it will be considered complete, and how to publish it with out hurting a lot of people. Maybe I should do it anonymously. Or just put a disclaimer on it.
"If you were cursed at anywhere in this book, I am not liable for any discomfort that you felt."
I'm really frustrated with the fruitlessness of my life right now.

So I haven't updated in a while.
This weekend was the performance of "Fathers and Sons," the play that I was working on. The play write is a friend of my dad's, so he hired me to be on the crew. The show was great. It will be playing again in the Fall at the Lion Theatre on 42nd street, and I will probably be working with them again.
Now I'm all confused because I remembered how much I love theatre, and now maybe I want to go into that as a career.
And now I need another job for the summer.
And the job I was supposed to have isn't calling me back.
So now I'm panicking.
All I made from working this week was one month's rent.
I hate my life.

I'm not sure what these feelings are.
Things keep floating around in my head.

Try hard.
Honest living.
Focus.
Priorities.
Intelligence.
Follow through.

Fuck.

So last night I went to the full staff first read through of the play I am working at. Sitting in the theatre brought back old memories. I was instantly comfortable, though we ranged in age from teens to seniors. The play was written by my boss and it's wonderful. He and another guy are the two sole actors. The guy (not my boss) is exactly like an older, slightly more hood version of Adam F. When I came in he was napping on the floor. In a very Adam F-esque voice he goes "Please excuse my lack of energy."  We hit it off instantly, making swine flu jokes.
The night went well.
The theatre is in the East Village, right next door to Coyote Ugly. How funny.
After that I met up with Adam in Brooklyn and we went to Alphabeta (it's about 10 at night now) because Adam was helping the guys clean up the courtyard, earning us more space to paint and free food. Since I was still in nice clothes I king of just watched, and cuddled with Khi, their adorable girl pitbull. She has this rubber chicken that she kept giving me. I sat on her couch and she tried to lay down on me, even though she is huge. She definitely beats the pitbull stereotype.
Today is beautiful outside. I have so much work to do, and all I want is to be in the sunlight. Having the windows open relaxes me. I'm allowed to work in the back patio, but I don't feel like talking to the people upstairs (they babble incessantly every time they see anyone). I'm so stressed about finals. Today I have to get all 5 paintings done so that they are dry and varnished by the final crit on Friday morning. In addition, I need to get my 10 page Hamlet paper done for class on Thursday, so I guess those are at the top of my list. I should also do my sculpture installation model soon because that too involves drying time. Once those things are done, I have to make my found object sculpture and do my World Art final. Oh and check that all of my reading responses are done. Goddddd. I have a new psoriasis patch from stress. Damn.

I had a lot of fun yesterday.
I walked around the city with Kristen and Steph. We met a cute baby pug that tried to jump on us, but it was too small and dense to get off the ground very well. It's owner laughed at us laughing at it. I guess it happens all the time. We were also greeted by a gay man with a bad fake tan standing outside a home furnishing store wearing an odd outfit made out of rugs. I guess that's how they attract their middle aged female customers.
It was so hot outside. It still is.
When I got home Adam and I went out to hang out together. We went to Alphabeta, the graff store in Greenpoint. We're friends with the employees and we are going to do a piece on the wall in their courtyard. The store has this adorable sleepy dog. It gets a lot of cuddles from me.
After that we went and ate in Williamsburg and looked at the street vendors. Then we went back to Greenpoint and tried on hats and jewelry.
After that we came back to our neighborhood and ate ice cream.
I wish the day didn't end, because now I have to be shut up in the apartment for the rest of the week doing final projects, save for tomorrow night when I have to go to work at the theatre.

Due to the disturbing noise we heard outside last night and the fact that time is continuous and whatever made the noise is still doing it in another time dimension, I cannot shower until you get home, because I would be making myself vulnerable to the thing that made the noise, in the event that it experiences deja vu and slips back into my current time dimension.

This is what art school has done to me-pushed me headfirst off the diving board of mental instability into the shark infested waters of complete and utter lunacy.

So last night Adam and I were invited to Robert's for dinner. His family is orthodox and the orthodox easter was yesterday. And When I say it was dinner, I actually mean 15+ people eating for 6 hours. Food coma.
They do this thing where you take easter eggs and two people say something and hit them together and if your egg doesn't break, it's like good luck or something. I did one with Adam and one with this really old Romanian lady (Robert's grandma, maybe?) and it was fun. My eggs were pink.
It was nice to be included because usually Adam is invited places and I'm overlooked. Even his family does it.
It was also a reminder that some people don't appreciate the family that they have. Not wanting to go to a family dinner as nice as that is stupid. A lot of people don't have family that comes together that way. And most people in my immediate group of friends don't even have the money to have a dinner anymore. Where I come from, holidays have been skipped from the recession. So to say that you don't want to go because it's boring, annoying, etc, is the dumbest thing I've ever heard and you should be shot. Just sayin'.



Edit:
I ran into Kelly P on 21st Street during my lunch break Saturday. Easily the highlight of my entire month. <3

So to recap...

Tuesday I ate myself stupid with Adam and Becka. Ironically, the waitress we had at the pizza place was Polish. Even more ironically, written on the wall of the bathroom there was the phrase "Autumn was here." I did not write this. How interesting.
Earlier in the day my mom made me go to an interview at this restaurant near my house. A job as a cocktail waitress is waiting for me upstate if I can't find anything better in the city this summer...

Wednesday I was woken up by my dad trying to talk to me at 7AM before work. He said something along the lines of "I think you'd better come up here for the summer to do some soul searching as to what you are doing in your life and your career." Um...was there some confusion as to what I'm doing with my life? Because I'm pretty sure I had a definite plan. Perhaps others were confused?
After this retarded little revelation, I went back to the city in a stuffed car, with Harry shoved in the back amongst the debris.

Today in drawing I was partners with Ryan, and he painted my face. It was awesome! It definitely improved the day, which otherwise consisted of a poor apatite, verbal abuse, ample amounts of work, and finding out that I'll be working less days at the theatre than was originally planned.

Last night was great.
This morning was retarded.
More on this later, excuse me while I frantically back and shove myself into a full car and get lost going back to NYC.

I really love you. 

I've got all of my work in front of me, I had a cup of coffee, and the apartment is calm and quiet. 
Yet I still can't focus.

I feel antsy.

My hair looks nice today.
It hasn't been this long in a while.
Since prom I think?

This is me procrastinating.

I need to edit this paper.
I need to get my things together for class tomorrow.
I need to varnish some things.
I need to draw some things.
I need to work on my painting final.

I need something to get me moving.

I made you a CD today.
A little gesture.
You helped me cook today.  
A little gesture.
I lent a little hand to do some big things.
Big gestures.
I'm still waiting for two gestures from you.
Two big gestures.
I need you to give up something.
And to take on me.

So I want to update but don't really know what I want to say or how and in what way. This is strange for me.

Last Saturday was fun/emotional/ostracizing. Never knew a party could be that way. We went to Mike's with Robert, Patty, and Mike's Polish cousin, his bandmate, and one of their other bandmate's girlfriend. I had a nice time talking to the Polish people, who were very nice to me, and seemed oddly smitten and kept giving me drinks and snacks. I had a good conversation sitting on the floor with Patty. It's weird bonding with your boyfriend's ex girlfriend, especially after you have been having relationship problems for weeks. But I really like her. The night made me feel really left out, not being able to speak Polish, even though the kids from Poland spoke English to me. It's odd that while Polish kids go out of their way to speak English, while Polish American kids insist on speaking Polish. Adam and I fought later, but we came to fix the problems that we have been having. I'm friends with the Polish kids and their band on MySpace. Really great kids. I love how some of the most awesome friends I'm making either don't go to my school or don't live in my country.

It's the end of the year at SVA, and I'm swamped with work. I'm trying to be productive, I'm trying to make the change.

I'm tired of being dissatisfied. I'm tired of poor mental health.

This week sucked terribly. It rained. I got the worst period I've ever had in the 8 years I've had it. My sculpture went missing and I had to start over. What anyone would want with a partially worked on, unassembled wood sculpture is beyond me. Becky called me upset, after she and Tyler broke up. I want to help but I don't know how. I found out some things I didn't know, and don't know how to handle them. I'm broke. Plans got canceled. People are bitching. I'm overloaded with work. I'm mad.






I keep rolling ultimatums around in my mind. I don't know whether to go ahead and make them, afraid of what will happen. But I'm tired of this. I gave in and I knew it would come to this. Walking over guidelines that were set. Disrespecting me and how things affect me. Is it worth what it's doing? Is it worth bringing back memories that I have, messing things up, acting like a fool? Would it be worth ruining two futures? Answer me that.

I am writing a paper.
This paper was assigned before spring break.
Class was cancelled last week.
It's due tomorrow.
I wake up at 6 AM.
I also have to do laundry tonight.
My life needs to change.

So um yeah haven't posted in a while.

I can't tell what's going on with you. If the changes that happened are coincidental. I don't want things to change, I want things to stay strong and unconditional, and if they can't here, they won't with anyone else. Things have been better than the other week, but I am still not sure what's happening. Maybe it's displaced anger. Maybe I'm just as naive as everyone has told me I am. I don't see how that could be so. I have so much to say but I don't know how. I need to get it out but maybe I don't want people to hear. Maybe I don't want to hold it up to myself so that I have to be face to face with things that have happened. Things that show me what I'm dreading. Days pass and I still don't know what to do about this.

I have a job in May as a House Manager for a show at the Theatre for the New City. If all goes well, I might continue working with the same crew once the show moves to 42nd street. I find it ironic that I can't get an art job, but a theatre job falls into my lap. Unfortunately, however great this is, I still need a job in the meantime and a job for the summer months.

I got an email telling me that New York State wants to cut funding in half for NYSSSA, in essence closing four of the eight schools. NYSSSA was such a great experience, I can't imagine kids not having that opportunity. NYSSSA is the most affordable pre-college there is for art students. I think it only cost me $100 for a month of learning. And this means that the people I went with and myself may never have the chance to return as counselors. First TAP, now this. Thank you, New York State, for sucking.

How is it that I know almost nothing of what is happening in the lives of the people that I love? Becky and I can never get a time that we are both free to have a single phone call. I find out that Becka is taking a leave of absence. I have no clue what is going on with Nes. I have some fragments of what is happening in Liv's life. I blame all of you for not updating LJ the way that you used to. I feel like everyone is changing and I'm missing it. 

I can't even figure out what is going on in my own life. I can't tell if me being out of touch is due to being in a slump, or due to being wrapped up in decisions I'm trying to make and stress that I'm trying to handle. I'm trying to figure out my future and I'm slowly sliding out of time with my present. I've decided to pursue Graphic Design and Art Therapy almost simultaneously. These two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Next year I will be taking such courses as Visual Literacy and Abnormal Psychology I during the same semester. I know I am going to try to wrap my head around the simplicity of design and the complexity of humanity at the same time and I'm going to have a mental breakdown. Also, I tried my hand at producing graphic novel related work for an assignment and it was extremely successful. So that just pushes another possibility onto an already full plate. And then I acquire a theatre job that just reminds me how much I love acting and production. I can't tell if I should be choosing one path or taking them all, so one thing never has my full attention. And just when I think I've got things figured out, I remember that I also sing, write, and do street art. My head never stops spinning.

I hate that when my life is off, my body is off. My iron is so low that my extremities are like popsicles and I'm constantly exhausted. I haven't had my period since January, and no I'm not pregnant. I'm afraid that if I get my period that I will become so anemic that I will die. I need to eat more vegetables. Adam bought a little window box thing so that we can grow some. There are frozen vegetables in the freezer, but something tells me that they are lacking nutrients because eating them doesn't make me feel better. Maybe I should get (more) supplements. 

Something needs to happen. I need to make some changes in my life. I keep saying this and not doing it, but things are getting to be too much. There is a lot that I need to do that I am not doing. There is a lot that I want to do that I am not doing. I'm not sure if I'm doing anything. I need some kind of motivation. It's hard when the people that I'm surrounded by are in the same boat. Full of ideas, but down and out. I don't know where to start.