So um yeah haven't posted in a while.
I can't tell what's going on with you. If the changes that happened are coincidental. I don't want things to change, I want things to stay strong and unconditional, and if they can't here, they won't with anyone else. Things have been better than the other week, but I am still not sure what's happening. Maybe it's displaced anger. Maybe I'm just as naive as everyone has told me I am. I don't see how that could be so. I have so much to say but I don't know how. I need to get it out but maybe I don't want people to hear. Maybe I don't want to hold it up to myself so that I have to be face to face with things that have happened. Things that show me what I'm dreading. Days pass and I still don't know what to do about this.
I have a job in May as a House Manager for a show at the Theatre for the New City. If all goes well, I might continue working with the same crew once the show moves to 42nd street. I find it ironic that I can't get an art job, but a theatre job falls into my lap. Unfortunately, however great this is, I still need a job in the meantime and a job for the summer months.
I got an email telling me that New York State wants to cut funding in half for NYSSSA, in essence closing four of the eight schools. NYSSSA was such a great experience, I can't imagine kids not having that opportunity. NYSSSA is the most affordable pre-college there is for art students. I think it only cost me $100 for a month of learning. And this means that the people I went with and myself may never have the chance to return as counselors. First TAP, now this. Thank you, New York State, for sucking.
How is it that I know almost nothing of what is happening in the lives of the people that I love? Becky and I can never get a time that we are both free to have a single phone call. I find out that Becka is taking a leave of absence. I have no clue what is going on with Nes. I have some fragments of what is happening in Liv's life. I blame all of you for not updating LJ the way that you used to. I feel like everyone is changing and I'm missing it.
I can't even figure out what is going on in my own life. I can't tell if me being out of touch is due to being in a slump, or due to being wrapped up in decisions I'm trying to make and stress that I'm trying to handle. I'm trying to figure out my future and I'm slowly sliding out of time with my present. I've decided to pursue Graphic Design and Art Therapy almost simultaneously. These two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Next year I will be taking such courses as Visual Literacy and Abnormal Psychology I during the same semester. I know I am going to try to wrap my head around the simplicity of design and the complexity of humanity at the same time and I'm going to have a mental breakdown. Also, I tried my hand at producing graphic novel related work for an assignment and it was extremely successful. So that just pushes another possibility onto an already full plate. And then I acquire a theatre job that just reminds me how much I love acting and production. I can't tell if I should be choosing one path or taking them all, so one thing never has my full attention. And just when I think I've got things figured out, I remember that I also sing, write, and do street art. My head never stops spinning.
I hate that when my life is off, my body is off. My iron is so low that my extremities are like popsicles and I'm constantly exhausted. I haven't had my period since January, and no I'm not pregnant. I'm afraid that if I get my period that I will become so anemic that I will die. I need to eat more vegetables. Adam bought a little window box thing so that we can grow some. There are frozen vegetables in the freezer, but something tells me that they are lacking nutrients because eating them doesn't make me feel better. Maybe I should get (more) supplements.
Something needs to happen. I need to make some changes in my life. I keep saying this and not doing it, but things are getting to be too much. There is a lot that I need to do that I am not doing. There is a lot that I want to do that I am not doing. I'm not sure if I'm doing anything. I need some kind of motivation. It's hard when the people that I'm surrounded by are in the same boat. Full of ideas, but down and out. I don't know where to start.